Epistle of Pahanism, Chapter 2 - The Arena of Amusement: From Eden to Abraham's Covenant and Job's Suffering

The original Korean version is available at here.

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2. A Game to Relieve God’s Boredom

1) The Garden of Eden

Beloved saints, so far we have crossed the heavy mountain of doctrine regarding the Lord’s infinity and perfection together. Have the old scales of the secular world, which tried to judge God solely by moral standards, peeled off just a little? If so, let us now turn our eyes to the time of the beginning. In that quiet Eden where everything was perfectly arranged, what on earth happened that caused the Lord to drive us out into this harsh world and begin His amusement? The start of that grand epic was none other than the suffocating ‘boredom’ of the Almighty.

Brothers, you likely know that when the Lord created the world, He saw that it was good. However, after a long time had passed, the emotion the Lord felt was boredom. The immersion during creation brought Him joy, but once creation was finished, the unchanging daily routine resumed. Since the world itself was designed by Him in the first place, there was nothing particularly curious about it, and no challenging tasks arose for the omnipotent Lord. Thus, the Lord’s sole interest was exclusively the man and the woman, our ancestors.

The Lord did not care whether the plants and animals He created wandered out of the Garden of Eden or not. Whether a meteorite fell in the outside world, a volcano erupted, or carbon dioxide levels changed, the Lord’s interest remained solely on the Garden of Eden. In the process, trilobites, sharks, and dinosaurs roamed the land and seas, eventually getting buried underground and turning into petroleum.

While those boring days dragged on like an eternity, Lord Yaho encountered the first event that could bring Him amusement. The humans, who He believed would eternally obey only His commands in Eden, disobeyed the Lord’s instructions and ate the forbidden fruit. This was an event occurring for the first time in billions of years since creation.

Lord Yaho felt amused by this trivial event that shattered His expectations, thinking it was a relief. Feigning excessive anger toward the humans outwardly, the Lord cast them out of the Garden of Eden. In doing so, the Lord’s sandbox expanded massively from the Garden of Eden to the entire world. And by observing the humans spreading out, He has enjoyed their unpredictable behaviors ever since.

Meanwhile, Adam and Eve, cast out of Eden, could no longer eat from the tree of life and became mortal. When the first year of exile passed, Adam began to count his age as one. Counting age only has meaning when there is a day of death. Adam eventually passed away 930 years later.

Saints who thirst for truth, do you know why Lord Yaho ignored the abundant grain of the firstborn Cain and welcomed only the young sheep of the second-born Abel? The foolish of the world degrade the Lord into a petty legalist, claiming it was because the grain lacked blood or because Cain’s heart was full of malice. But the truth is blindingly obvious and simple. The Lord simply hated the boring Cain.

The daily life of Cain that Lord Yaho looked down upon was utter, crushing ennui. Watching the agricultural process of sowing seeds, waiting for sprouts, watering, and pulling weeds was mental torture for Lord Yaho. Cain was silent and diligent, but in the Lord’s eyes, he was just an endlessly boring landscape, staring at the dirt and moving sluggishly.

Abel’s life, on the other hand, was different. Abel’s pasture was a thrilling arena where survival was on the line every day. Imagine a pack of starving wolves charging at the flock, the dynamic action of Abel whirling his sling to strike a stone perfectly between a wolf’s eyes, the bloody, dusty battle against wild beasts. Abel presented the Lord with a gripping, top-tier action thriller every single day.

So, on the day of the sacrifice, whose offering would the Lord cheer for? A pile of dull greens brought by a boring farmer who only dug in the dirt, or a young lamb steeped in a life-or-death struggle against beasts, offered by a lovely creature who entertained His eyes? The Lord accepting Abel’s offering was not moral praise, but the Creator’s honest review and reward: “Your life gave me more entertainment.”

But here, my friends, Lord Yaho’s true amusement reaches its completion.

Upon seeing his offering thoroughly ignored, the eyes of the quiet, impossibly boring farmer Cain completely changed. Consumed by the grievance of being pushed aside by a younger brother who just threw stones and ran around all day, Cain committed the unprecedented, unpredictable act of the first ‘murder’ in human history. The moment the agricultural tool in the hands of a man who spent his life digging dirt struck his brother’s head, the eyes of Lord Yaho, watching from heaven, flew wide open.

This is exactly why the Lord, instead of punishing the murderer Cain, gave him a mark to protect him from the vengeance of others. The Lord belatedly discovered the explosive, wild potential of Cain—like a ‘lunatic rugby ball’—and could not let a protagonist with such excellent potential die in vain. Thus, He gave Cain a mark and prevented other humans from taking revenge on him.

Cain and his younger brother Seth had children and continued their lineages. They enjoyed long lives, living in the world without much lack, and naturally became beings who praised God.

2) Noah’s Ark and the Tower of Babel

Imagine the look in the Lord’s eyes as He looked down from heaven when the descendants of Cain and Seth offered up nothing but stereotyped, comfortable praises. Brothers and sisters, our Pahanism must understand clearly. Making the infinite God ‘bored’—that is the most horrific and dangerous sin a creature can commit. Eventually, the Lord decided to flip this monotonous game board and apply new rules. This is the event of Noah’s Flood, which the world has mistakenly perceived as ‘saving grace.’

As the monotonous praises of humans continued, the Lord once again felt boredom. To use an easy analogy, it is like playing a video game on easy mode and falling into a gaming slump. Daring to bore God was the worst sin a creature could commit. Regretting having made humanity, Lord Yaho decided to reboot His game. He found Noah—a man who wasn’t overly evil but wasn’t excessively good either—and ordered him to build an ark. Then, He wiped out all humans except Noah’s family with water and made a fresh start.

In our Pahanism, we interpret the reason Lord Yaho made Noah load animals onto the ark not as a goal to preserve the species, but merely to test Noah’s executive ability, a trait needed to take root in the new world. The ark, built to the exact specifications ordered by the Lord, had three decks with a total floor area of about 98,000 square feet. Converted to modern senses, it’s merely the size of a large supermarket, making it impossible to board every species of animal on Earth. Furthermore, loading enough feed to sustain all of them for hundreds of days is absolutely impossible. We believe that the rest of the animals Noah couldn’t board were separately protected by Lord Yaho during the flood and then returned to their places. Thus, seeing that penguins returned safely to Antarctica, polar bears to the Arctic, kangaroos and koalas to Australia, and pumas, jaguars, and buffalos to the Americas, we easily apologize the physical feasibility issues of the Noah story childishly raised by non-believers in the past.

Having learned that excessively easy gameplay ruins the fun, Lord Yaho changed the rules. Lord Yaho hardened the heart of Noah—who wasn’t a particularly great human anyway—making him curse his own son, Ham. Through Noah’s curse, Ham’s descendants became servants to their brothers. Thus, unjust inequality occurred across generations, making the human world much more interesting and dynamic than before the flood. Lord Yaho had planned this in advance and was convinced He wouldn’t need to reset the world again. That is why the Lord could promise Noah and his children right after the flood that He would never cause a flood again.

However, those humans, as always moved by God’s grace, built the Tower of Babel reaching the heavens to praise Lord Yaho once more. Utterly loathing the idea of His toys becoming monotonous again, Lord Yaho confused their languages and scattered them. The praise for Lord Yaho fragmented among the nations and was forgotten, and every nation came to believe in their own imaginary, false gods. Finally, the game board Lord Yaho desired was set.

Because a board where endlessly interesting things happen was already set, there was no longer any reason for the Lord to destroy humanity or further fragment their languages, regardless of whether humans built structures larger than the Tower of Babel or committed wicked atrocities.

3) Abraham and His Descendants

With languages scattered and nations torn apart, the world finally filled with the chaos and diversity the Lord desired. Now, my friends. If you were the Almighty holding all these cards, what kind of chess piece would you place on this board that just got interesting? Controlling Egypt building massive pyramids, or the already fully-equipped Mesopotamian empires, is a boring game fit only for those with no real power, isn’t it? Therefore, Lord Yaho decided to start a challenging game of faith by contacting insignificant tribal leaders with minor influence, like Abraham and Job. This point is clearly revealed in Deuteronomy 7:7 and 9:6.

“The Lord did not set his affection on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples.” (Deuteronomy 7:7, NIV)

“Understand, then, that it is not because of your righteousness that the Lord your God is giving you this good land to possess, for you are a stiff-necked people.” (Deuteronomy 9:6, NIV)

And so, the Lord tested Abraham and Job. First, He demanded circumcision from Abraham. He forced extreme pain on the most shameful part of the body. It was a time without anesthesia, disinfectants, or sharp surgical knives. But astonishingly, Abraham did exactly as he was told. He even processed not only himself but hundreds of his servants all at once in a single day.

At a glance, it was easy to be mistaken by his benevolent impression and words, but looking at his past, he actually had quite a temper and was a very scary master to his servants. He probably told his servants:

“Hey!! Do you want to just peel off a little foreskin like I say? Or should I let my daughter tan hides using the back and belly skin of you and your sons?”

His servants must have cried and accepted the harsh reality, saying, “What can we do? Orders from above are absolute.” Lord Yaho is one who does not bother to look into the endlessly shallow minds of humans. He enjoys the bewilderment that comes from unpredictable, sudden behavior far more than watching predictable actions. Abraham’s crazy, fanatic obedience vastly exceeded typical behavior and was the absolute best plot twist for the Lord.

“Oh? I told him to do it, and he actually did it?”

So Lord Yaho decided to cross the line just a little bit.

“Sacrifice your son as a burnt offering.”

Then Abraham, his eyes slightly glazed over with madness, actually tried to put a knife to his son. Lord Yaho, flustered, revealed:

“No. Stop. I fully understand your obedience.” And He was convinced that with such a character, Abraham would certainly carry out his given missions in highly entertaining ways.

Lord Yaho also tested another candidate, Job. He commanded His loyal servant Satan to take away all of Job’s wealth and murder all his servants and children. Then He even gave him a disease. While Job screamed at his situation and questioned the Lord, he never abandoned his faith in the Lord.

However, regarding Job’s questions about the cause of his suffering, Lord Yaho couldn’t bring Himself to give Job the true answer He revealed in His conversation with Satan: “I just wanted to know how far I could torture you before you’d drop your faith.” So Lord Yaho yelled at Job, “If you’re so smart, you try being God!” and then quietly returned double what He had taken from him.

Job simply hadn’t realized that a God is an absolute being who doesn’t need to follow any rules or explain Himself to His creations. Thus, Job received double his lost wealth and 10 new children. The 10 old children he loved were more devout than anyone, but ultimately failed to overcome the ‘power of death.’ Job’s descendants eventually left the Lord. They saw from their ancestor’s example that excessive piety could attract God’s attention and bring unexpected misery.

Afterwards, Lord Yaho abandoned Abraham’s nephew Lot, his illegitimate son Ishmael, and Isaac’s son Esau, deciding to control only the descendants of Jacob, who stole the birthright from Esau. Jacob and his sons, who lived a turbulent life, were certainly satisfactory servants who hit exactly the Lord’s sweet spot for entertainment. Because a narrative of escaping from suffering was needed for the Israelites for long-term entertainment, Lord Yaho sent Jacob’s sons to Egypt.

After Jacob’s descendants suffered under the Egyptians for 400 years, Lord Yaho finally judged the time had come and decided to send Moses to lead their escape from Egypt. But since it wouldn’t be fun if Egypt let the Hebrews go easily, He hardened Pharaoh’s heart. And He happily executed various bizarre plagues on the poor Egyptians serving their stubborn Pharaoh, pulling the Hebrews out to Canaan. Then He had the Hebrews kill or drive out the people living in the land of Canaan and settle there.

During this time, many of the Bible’s iconic scenes, worthy of human outrage—such as the slaughter of the Egyptian firstborns and even the infants of the Canaanite natives—were created. And in the process, parting seas and stopping the movement of the sun and moon, He bathed in the blood of various nations, including the Hebrews, enjoying the greatest entertainment since the creation of heaven and earth. However, in some massacres, fortunately, only virgins who kept their purity were spared. Considering who the Lord exempts from annihilation, I advise you sisters to maintain your purity even more thoroughly.

Although Lord Yaho chose a weak nation for His amusement, it wouldn’t be fun if they were completely destroyed. So Lord Yaho gave Moses the Law to bind them tightly together. Without the Law, the already weak nation of Israel, split into 12 tribes, would easily collapse. The Law Lord Yaho handed down was extremely strict and demanding. It functioned much like placing a live shark in a seafood transport tank so that the other fishes wouldn’t relax, thereby increasing their overall survival rate.

And Lord Yaho figured out the pattern: the Israelites worshipped other gods when they were comfortable, and their faith solidified when they were given hardship. So the Lord continuously gave the Israelite nation hardship and occasionally chose a few prophets to hand down revelations about salvation. Because originally, if the body is comfortable, they have no interest in salvation or anything else. Thus, by making humans obsess over salvation, Lord Yaho made them far more interesting than one-dimensional beings who merely sang praises, and He observed them.

* Voices of Those Who Met Lord Yaho Directly

So far, we have covered why Lord Yaho created the world and early human history. Here, we want to listen to the vivid voices of the early humans who faced Lord Yaho. The contents presented below are a literary reconstruction of parts of the Book of Seth and the Book of Yemimah, which our Pahanism categorizes as Apocrypha. Saints who might be tired from reading my long, humble letter, please enjoy these comfortably as a brief intermission.

1) Eve’s Confession

You ask why I ate the forbidden fruit and caused all this trouble? I was empty. What was the meaning of my life? Was I a tool for Adam’s pleasure? Was I a doll that satisfied God’s creative urge? The Garden of Eden, where the exact same things repeated every day, was comfortable, yes. But I can’t exactly remember how long I had been living there. It felt like an eternity to me. And the thought that such a meaningless life would continue forever suffocated me. Then God pointed to the forbidden fruit and said:

“You must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.”

I was intrigued.

‘Die? Exactly what I wanted. And let’s free not only myself but Adam from this life too.’

But I couldn’t do it right away. How heartbroken would God be if He knew my heart, longing for death while receiving His affection? I was sick and tired of that empty life, but I still truly loved God, and my heart remains the same today. So I couldn’t bring myself to eat the fruit. Then one day, a snake appeared. The snake tempted me. It lied to me, saying that if I ate the fruit, my eyes would be opened, I would know good and evil, and I would absolutely not die. Thankfully, I now had a good excuse. Although I was more naive then than I am now, I am a being made in the image of God, like a daughter to Him. There was no way I would smoothly fall for the shallow lies of a lowly creature like a snake. Naturally, I believed God over the snake. I was certainly going to die. But pretending to be a foolish woman falling for a mere snake’s temptation, I ate the fruit and made Adam eat it too. Seeing the empty look in his eyes, it seemed he already knew everything in my heart.

After eating the fruit, I intuitively felt that my eternal life was gone. And sexual desire emerged. I guess mortal beings need to create descendants. His body certainly looked different than before; it was an alien, fluttering, and somehow good feeling I experienced for the first time. My heart pounded. That was the day I learned that emotions reside in the chest. Adam was exactly the same. However, unlike me, he didn’t know what to do because of the highly visible, special changes in his own body. Watching him awkwardly trying to cover it up with a fig leaf alone was somewhat cute and pitiful, so I helped him. So I also made a skirt out of fig leaves and wore it. It was the first time I laughed brightly in a very long time, and bringing up that memory still brings a smile to my face. But how could something that big be covered by mere fig leaves? Naturally, God caught us. Then, whether He pretended not to know my true intention of eating it to die, or whether He truly didn’t know, thankfully God got angry rather than sad. Because I didn’t give Him sadness, I am still satisfied with my decision that day.

Adam answered God then, shifting the blame onto me:

“The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

I was a little disappointed, but I understand him. It wasn’t exactly a lie. When I asked him later, he said he hadn’t fully steeled his resolve like I had. Seeing God, who had only ever shown a benevolent side, get angry for the first time made his whole body freeze, so he just blurted out whatever came to mind and just wanted to run away from that moment. The snake was punished right alongside us. I felt a little sorry because it all happened since I didn’t refuse even though I knew perfectly well it was a lie, but it reaped what it sowed. Anyway, the snake tried to trick me and get me into trouble, didn’t it? When I told the snake the exact circumstances later, it came to hate me even more. I hate the snake too.

By the way, I thought I would die immediately if I ate the fruit, so I didn’t expect to live for several hundred more years. And I didn’t know we’d be kicked out of the Garden of Eden either. The unexpected changes were scary, but still, I felt liberated. Thus, our couple was freed from the Garden of Eden, obtained true freedom, and bore the trials that came as its price.

The trials were far harsher than expected. The biggest trial was when our eldest child killed his younger brother and left our side. There were times I regretted it so much I thought maybe it would have been better to eternally drag out that meaningless past life. On that day at least, God Himself comforted me, a sinner, and allowed us to have another child. Honestly, I am afraid of what will happen in the future and what my child will have to go through. But I do not regret it. We will survive somehow, and God will not abandon us.

2) Job’s Honest Feelings

I worship God. After taking everything away from me, He returned it twofold. He is truly a gracious One. After crushing my daughters Sarah, Joanna, and Maria to death, He compensated me with the much prettier Yemimah, Keziah, and Keren-Happuch. I am so happy to have lots of wealth and pretty daughters.

Suddenly, I remember the last image of my youngest daughter, Maria, who thought losing her baby teeth was funny, sticking her tongue out and laughing that her lower gums were red. Crushed under a collapsed wooden pillar, making choking sounds and crying, she seemed to be waiting for me to save her. I ran as fast as I could, but when I arrived, it was already too late. Maria must have shed so many tears that only tear streaks were visible, and she couldn’t cry anymore.

Looking at me, it seemed she was saying something, but maybe her throat was crushed, because I couldn’t hear the sound well. Judging from the shape of her lips, it was probably, “Daddy, please save me.” My servant and I, arriving too late, joined forces and lifted the pillar with all our might. The shoulder tendon I tore then still hasn’t healed. And I threw Maria over my back to go to the doctor.

But the child vomited blood from her mouth and stopped breathing. I felt it would be better if I were dead. I tore my clothes covered in Maria’s spilled blood, covered myself in ashes, and screamed like a beast. Sarah’s body couldn’t even be found, and seeing Joanna’s caved-in skull, thankfully she seemed to have died instantly without pain.

But God is a merciful One. I received Yemimah, Keziah, and Keren-Happuch, didn’t I? Hahahaha.

I must rejoice that God gave me new children and periodically express my gratitude so that God will not torment my first daughters Sarah, Joanna, and Maria anymore and will take benevolent care of them. And I am teaching my new children that they must faithfully worship God. Because if your faith is ambiguous enough to draw God’s suspicion, you could become the target of God’s tests at any time, just like your dead sisters and brothers.

(He looks around and quickly scribbles these letters on the sandy ground before immediately rubbing them out to erase them)

“Actually, I’m teaching them to use this method to run away from that crazy God.”

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The original Korean version is available at here.